For draft 1 my story had lacked setting and background information for my characters. The dialogue that I presented in my story was confusing for the reader to determined who is speaking. I learned that if my character is thinking in their head that I'm not suppose to use quotations. Overall, I need to add more descriptions to my characters so that the readers can picture them. In additon, I need to add more to my setting so that the readers can imagine my story.
Roxanne Coleman
4/18/12
Cole,
the Lightning Thief
My name is Cole Shogun and I was a
regular citizen like most people before the explosion occurred. My family and I
live in the suburbs within New York City. It’s a pretty interesting place,
except for one thing, which is the school in my area. Unfortunately, my parents
decided to move us in a predominately area where mostly white people lived in.
So it’s very difficult for us to adjust in an area when you know you’re not
wanted. That being the case, I thought for myself it may not be so bad since
I’m half white and half Japanese. I was definitely proven wrong when I went to
my first day of class.
The experience was weird and
frustrating since many people looked at me with awe for I had blue eyes and red
hair, but the twist was that I had chinky eyes and a round face. On top of that
my hair was spiky and the looks I received for having such a weird haircut
brought shivers down my spine. For the rest of the day people didn’t know how
to act, except with harsh stares and segregation. Finally, I was fed up, since
this horrible routine kept continuing on a daily basis. I convinced my parents to transfer me to a
different school in Manhattan and without a moment to lose, they did. I was
finally at peace with this new school and more openly accepted since it was
pretty diverse. Things couldn’t go wrong I thought, but it did.
One day I decided to take a shortcut
home since the sun rays were scorching my skin.
Making my palms feel very moist and sticky from the sweat. When heading
home I heard a loud scream from the alleyway. I decided to take a peak and I
saw two guys holding a woman down and the third guy was unzipping his pants. I
leaned against one of the buildings and quickly put one of my hands on my
chest. Thump thump thump, my heart kept making those noises. It felt like any
minute my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I was so nervous; I just
kept asking myself, “what to do Cole, what to do? You can be a hero and save
this girl or you can let her get raped and mostly likely be killed afterwards.”
Like an idiot I decided to be a hero that day, which was the greatest mistake
of my life. For others, it was the beginning of a better change in the world.
Luckily, for the lady I did gymnastics and climbed the building next to them.
On top of the roof I was now above two of the criminals. “Here goes nothing,” I
said and jumped off the roof aiming for the two guys.
Surprisingly,
I actually hit both of them. The lady then took this opportunity as a chance to
escape and she did. “Yes, I can’t believe I did that, a job well done I would
say so myself.” So excited, I forgot there was one more criminal left. “You
will regret what you did kid,” and he was right because before I knew it, he
took a crowbar and knocked me out. In and out of consciousness I realized I was
in a car trunk tied up and my mouth taped. When I was somewhat awake I tried to
rip the ropes off and break myself free to no avail. Finally I gave up, for my
body was completely drained and I had absolutely no energy left. The last thing
I remembered saying to myself was “good job Cole, you saved the girl, but at
what price?” The next thing I knew, I wasn’t in the trunk anymore, thank God
for that, but now strapped down in an eerie place.
I
was still drowsy for the horrible car ride and being knocked unconscious with a
crowbar. When reality finally kicked in
for me I realized that the cave that I was in was surrounded by weird yet
unique high tech technology. I assumed I was in some creepy laboratory. “Where
am I?” I thought, not realizing I said this thought out loud, someone answered
in the shadows. “This is my lab, do you like?” Scared to death, yet somehow I
had the courage to respond back, “who are you and I understand this is a lab,
but where exactly is this lab?” The man took some time to think, I assumed he
was debating on whether to respond to me or not. Finally, the man spoke as he stepped out of
the shadows and said “don’t worry about how you got here or where you are, the
importance is that you are here and you shall fulfill my dream.” “But,” and
before I could finish the man cut me off and stated his name. “My name is Dr.
Lee and you will be my new guinea pig.” Within a matter of minutes I felt excruciating
pain and realized the mad man was electrocuting my body.
The
electricity soared through my veins, my fingertips, my brain, and lastly my
heart. I didn’t think I would survive; I felt like giving up and wanted to die
right then and there. I knew my body wanted to and yet the same feeling when
saving that lady before came soaring within me. Many people would call this
feeling many things, such as adrenaline or courage; instead I call this feeling
being foolish. Since I felt like I was fighting the inevitable, but then seeing
Dr. Lee face made me lose it. Smiling, delighted to see my pain, filled me with
anger and hate; I just knew I couldn’t die here, not now, not ever. “So I see
you like seeing my pain, you like seeing people suffer, well two can play at
that game.” I screamed so loud and used all the strength within me to break the
straps that were binding me down.
I
could see it in the doctor’s face, my actions was truly upsetting him. “Stop it
I command you to stop!” he shouted. “Don’t you realize what you are doing, he
added, you are causing my babies to malfunction.” He shouldn’t have told me
that because I really lost it and was giving everything I had to be set free.
Somehow I finally broke the straps and when I did the lab exploded. Till this
day I don’t know how I survived that chaos or the experimenting part. I guess
it just wasn’t my time to leave this earth without doing some good first
because when I woke up and shook the debris off of me, I felt strange and
realized that I obtained electrical powers.
In
a matter of minutes I could hear the annoying sirens and saw the flashing red
lights coming my way. So before the cops came I decided it was best to quickly
leave the scene. Now I know what you are all thinking, why didn’t I use these
powers for selfish greed and wealth, well I can’t answer that question and most
likely never will be able to. What I do know and what you all must understand
is that I chose to use my powers for the greater good. I formed a team when I
realized that Dr. Lee experimented with other kids before he did with me and
together we look out for citizens and help our neighborhood whenever we can.
Now you all know my story, for “I am Cole the Lightning Thief and will shock
the world with my powers and villains to justice.”For draft #2 I've improved somehwhat with setting , but I still need more details. To be exact I needed specfic locations with where my character lived at and where the conflict had occured. I've improved on how my protagonist looks like, which I'm still working on with how my other characters look like. Now I just need to present my protagponist wants and desires within the story. Overall, I still have alot of work to do with setting and descriptions with chracters. As well as the conflict with the story isnt as clear as I would like it to be, so I need to work on that as well.
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