Draft 3 and Draft 4

The struggles that I still faced with my third draft was my protagonist not having a desire and want. I had many subplots in my story, but I couldn't accomplish an overall plot. I didn't have an established balance of power and a focused crisis action. As for theme, I still haven't picked one in my story yet, because I didn't have an established want and desire. As for myself,  I learned that as a writer the hardest part with completing a story is constructing a well organized plot and putting everything together. With the help of Defeo and Macchio I finally had an organized plot for my next draft.

Roxanne Coleman

4/25/12

Cole, the Lightning Thief

            My name is Cole Shogun and I was a regular citizen like most people before the explosion occurred. My family and I live in Levittown within New York City. It’s a pretty interesting place, except for one thing, which was the school in my area. Unfortunately, my parents decided to move us to a predominately white area. It’s was very difficult for us to adjust in an area when you know you’re not wanted. That being the case, I thought to myself it may not be so bad since I’m half white and half Japanese. I was definitely proven wrong when I went to my first day of class.

            The experience was weird and frustrating since many people looked at me with awe for I had blue eyes and red hair, but the twist was that I was half Asian and half white. On top of that, my hair was spiky and from people’s reactions and stares it brought shivers down my spine. For the rest of the day people didn’t know how to act, except with harsh stares and discomfort.  I felt like a piece of dog meat ready to be chewed at in any moment. Luckily I realized I wasn’t alone with being treated like an outcast.

When I survived the morning classes and made it to lunch time, I noticed these strange group of kids sitting by themselves. Just by looking at them you can tell that each person had their own story to tell. The girl of the group was quite pretty. She had long black hair and parted most of it going to the left side of her head. She dressed nice and fancy and looked like she could be German. I thought it was odd that she wasn’t hanging out with the popular kids. The rest of the group members were three white guys. One of them looked punkish, he dressed all in black, but the clothes were tight on him and he had black hair with bangs. The other guy was similar except his hair was really long and covered one of his eyes. Finally, the last member had spiky hair like me except he wore nerdy glasses and had black hair. I thought to myself what I have to lose with trying to talk to them. I started walking towards their table which felt like a lifetime when in reality it only took 2 minutes to arrive their table.
            “Hi,” I said. The boys ignored me except for the girl. To my eyes, as she turned her hair it moved in slow-motion and as it bounced in the air you could smell the flowery scent of her shampoo. “Hi, my name Valerie, sorry for the boys rudeness, they assume that all boys that go to this school are evil since they get teased a lot, but you look different.” That comment brought a smile to my face and she gestured for me to sit with them. I learned that day the three boys names, the one dressed punkish with the bangs name is Munro. The other dressed in punkish clothes too but with longer hair Max and the last one with the nerdy glasses and the spiky hair was named Luke. Valerie explained to me that they all liked video games and comics and that isn't cool here in this school, so they do they own thing and formed their own group. In time these outcast became more than that, they became my best friends. Lucky for me will all lived close by so we would always go home together.

            One day the gang and I decided to take a shortcut home since we wanted to get home fast for a special event happening in our neighborhood. Also, the sun that day was making my palms feel very moist and sticky from the sweat. When heading home I heard a loud scream from the alleyway. I decided to take a peak and I saw two guys holding a woman down and the third guy was unzipping his pants. The guy that was unzipping his pants had a lot of hair and he seemed ragged. Like he didn’t have a bath in years. While the other one to my surprise was dressed professionally with a suit and had his hair smooth back with gel. Both of them were white. I leaned against one of the buildings and quickly put one of my hands on my chest. Thump thump thump, was all the noise I could hear coming from my heart. It felt like any minute my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I was so nervous; I just kept asking myself, “what to do Cole, what to do? You can be a hero and save this girl or you can let her get raped and mostly likely be killed afterwards.” Like an idiot I decided to be a hero that day, I knew I was foolish for doing so, but I wanted to try and save this lady life. This decision was the greatest mistake of my life, but for others, it was the beginning of a better change within the world. Luckily, for the lady I’ve done gymnastics in my old school to clear my head from the bullies I used to deal with. I looked up and saw an opening to for my hand to place and worked my way up to the building. Now on top of the roof I was able to see both criminals. “Here goes nothing,” I said and jumped off the roof aiming for the two guys.

Surprisingly, I actually hit both of them. The lady then took this opportunity as a chance to escape and she quickly thanked me and ran. “Yes, I can’t believe I did that, a job well done I would say so myself.” So excited, I forgot about the smooth looking criminal.  He took advantage of my excitement and said “you will regret what you did kid,” and he was right because before I knew it, he took a crowbar and knocked me out. In and out of consciousness I realized I was in a car trunk tied up and my mouth taped. When I was somewhat awake I tried to rip the ropes off and break myself free to no avail. Finally I gave up, for my body was completely drained and I had absolutely no energy left. The last thing I remembered saying to myself was “good job Cole, you saved the girl, but at what price?” The next thing I knew, I wasn’t in the trunk anymore, thank God for that, but now strapped down in an eerie place.

I was still drowsy for the horrible car ride and being knocked unconscious with a crowbar.  When reality finally kicked in for me I realized that the cave that I was in was surrounded by weird yet unique high tech technology. I assumed I was in some creepy laboratory. “Where am I?” I thought, not realizing I said this thought out loud, someone answered in the shadows. “This is my lab, do you like?” Scared to death, yet somehow I had the courage to respond back, “who are you and I understand this is a lab, but where exactly is this lab?” The man took some time to think, I assumed he was debating on whether to respond to me or not.  Finally, the man spoke as he stepped out of the shadows and said “don’t worry about how you got here or where you are, the importance is that you are here and you shall fulfill my dream.” “But,” and before I could finish the man cut me off and stated his name. “My name is Dr. Lee and you will be my new guinea pig.” Within a matter of minutes I felt excruciating pain and realized the mad man was electrocuting my body.

The electricity soared through my veins, my fingertips, my brain, and lastly my heart. I didn’t think I would survive; I felt like giving up and wanted to die right then and there. I knew my body wanted to and yet the same feeling when saving that lady before came soaring within me. Many people would call this feeling many things, such as adrenaline or courage; instead I call this feeling being foolish. Since I felt like I was fighting the inevitable, but then seeing Dr. Lee face made me lose it. Smiling, delighted to see my pain, filled me with anger and hate; I just knew I couldn’t die here, not now, not ever. “So I see you like seeing my pain, you like seeing people suffer, well two can play at that game.” I screamed so loud and used all the strength within me to break the straps that were binding me down.

I could see it in the doctor’s face, my actions was truly upsetting him. “Stop it I command you to stop!” he shouted. “Don’t you realize what you are doing, he added, you are causing my babies to malfunction.” He shouldn’t have told me that because I really lost it and was giving everything I had to be set free. Somehow I finally broke the straps and when I did the lab exploded. Till this day I don’t know how I survived that chaos or the experimenting part. I guess it just wasn’t my time to leave this earth without doing some good first because when I woke up and shook the debris off of me, I felt strange and realized that I obtained electrical powers.

In a matter of minutes I could hear the annoying sirens and saw the flashing red lights coming my way. So before the cops came I decided it was best to quickly leave the scene. Now I know what you are all thinking, why didn’t I use these powers for selfish greed and wealth, well I can’t answer that question and most likely never will be able to. What I do know and what you all must understand is that I chose to use my powers for the greater good. I formed a team when I realized that Dr. Lee experimented with other kids before he did with me and together we look out for citizens and help our neighborhood whenever we can. Now you all know my story, for “I am Cole the Lightning Thief and will shock the world with my powers and villains to justice.”

In my fourth draft I finally had a desire and want for my protagonist. With the help of the flow chart, my story was finally going the way I wanted it too. The only problem with this draft was that I was unable to complete and fix my mistakes that I've learned about my story from my previous workshop. By the fifth draft I should have everyting completed or close to it.